


Missed When It's Gone

by pterosounds



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F, long distance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 06:08:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5857105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pterosounds/pseuds/pterosounds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life has lead Carmilla and Laura in different directions, but they are determined to keep their relationship strong despite the distance. While Carmilla's dedication is exactly what is needed for such an arrangement, Laura finds college a bit more distracting and a lot more exciting than she thought she would. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but what happens when the heart doesn't know what it wants?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. August 2014

**_AUGUST 2014_ **

The serenity that comes with a midnight drive is a sensation Carmilla and Laura had grown to love and associate with one another. Normally such drives were dotted with light but introspective conversation about the stars and life and death. They would end with a kiss and Carmilla being dropped off at her house. They kind of became a staple of their relationship.

Carmilla, reclined in the passenger seat, found herself staring at the flickering glow of streetlights on Laura’s face as the car made it’s way down the back road that stretched the length of their town. She was leaving tomorrow, and the heaviness of that fact filled the car with the tension of unspoken goodbyes and I love yous. Carmilla tried to ignore the slight quiver of her girlfriend’s bottom lip and the moisture gathering in the corners of her eyes, but that proved difficult when her own tears were threatening to fall.

Eight months. They had been together for eight months, so surely they could make it three more until fall break. Carmilla would return from Chicago and they would kiss and the kiss would be unlike any that they had exchanged before. Carmilla was certain of this.

Laura’s eyes remained fixed on the road ahead of her, her right hand firmly clasped around Carmilla’s. She knew if she looked over at the girl she loved, even just for a second, her resolve would fall away and she would have to pull over until she stopped crying. She pulled into Carmilla’s neighborhood, trying to steel herself for the conversation that was about to come. 

But then they passed the playground and she all but slammed on the breaks as she let out a small sob.

“Cupcake…” Carmilla’s voice cracked slightly, and it was Laura’s only sign that the other girl was just as distraught as she was (considering she still refused to look at her).

“This isn’t fair.” Laura whispered, her knuckles turning white as she squeezed the steering wheel and Carmilla’s hand.

“Nothing ever is, Laura.”

The use of her real name was what finally caused Laura to look up and lock eyes with her girlfriend. “It’s like… I know me staying in Florida and you going to Chicago is what’s best for both of our dreams… But you’re also part of my dream future, Carm. And I just-”

Carmilla reached out to caress her cheek. “I know. And we can still have that dream future. After college.”

“That’s four years.” 

“With summers and Thanksgivings and winter and spring breaks.” Carmilla reassured her and brought their joined hands up to her mouth, kissing the back of Laura’s palm.

“What if you get to art school and realise there are much cooler and prettier girls out there?” Laura whispered, finally voicing her biggest fear.

“Laura Hollis,” Carmilla sighed. “If you think for one second that some artsy girl is going to tear me away from you, you aren’t as smart as you’ve convinced me you are.”

Laura laughed. “I guess most of them are going to be as pompous as you anyways, and I think that’s too much entitlement for one relationship.”

Carmilla laughed with her and leaned over the gearshift so her face was inches from Laura’s. “You and no one else, my love.”

“You’re disgusting.” Laura smiled and cleared the distance between them. The kiss was soft and hesitant, much like their first, only this time their lips tasted like salt and not cheap beer.

They could do this, a long distance relationship. Their love was strong enough. 

It would work.

**_ It had to. _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided to experiment with the storytelling aspect of my fics, and played around with the timeline. This first chapter takes place the August before their freshman year of college, and 5 of the following chapters will have scenes going forward in time through their first semester, and scenes going back through their last semester of high school. Scenes will be dated, and I'm hoping it's not confusing.  
> Sorry for the short first chapter, but it's a prologue of sorts, so... don't worry. The others will be longer.  
> follow me on tumblr @ carmunism.tumblr.com


	2. September/Summer 2014

**_SEPTEMBER 2014_ **

Their first month apart ends up being one of the best in their relationship. They text all day and Skype one another at night. Snapchats help add a level of both sexual and nonsexual intimacy, allowing them to share mundane parts of their days, as well as more lewd photos. Carmilla loves sending nudes to Laura when she knows her girlfriend is in class. Laura claims she hates it, but Carmilla knows how to tell when she’s lying.

Art school isn’t quite what Carmilla thought it would be. She loves her classes, especially Philosophy of Art and her figure drawing studio. The people are a bit unbearable, but seeing Laura’s face at the end of each day helps lighten Carmilla’s mood. Her girlfriend seems to have had no problem finding her people though.

“You’re so lame. Why are you friends with both your RA _and_ your Lit TA?” Carmilla asks during one call.

“They’re nice people! And totally into nerdy stuff like me. And Perry–”

“Your RA.”

Laura narrows her eyes at Carmilla’s playful smirk. “Yes. My RA. Has a friend named LaF who is a bio major and knows how to make me a fake ID.”

“Laura Hollis, rule breaker. What would your father have to say?”

“A lot, I imagine. Tell me about your friends, babe.”

There is silence on Carmilla’s end for a while before she speaks up. “Oh, you know me. Hating everyone. I have people I drink and smoke with, but I don’t quite consider them friends.”

“You’re too good for pretentious art students anyways.”

“You’re dating a pretentious art student, cupcake.”

“Yeah, but you’re cute.”

For Laura, college is everything she could have asked for and more. Her roommate ends up a bit harder to get along with and gets quite annoyed when Laura makes her nightly Skype calls. Betty usually relocates to a study room with a huff and a slam of the door.

“If she ever says anything, just know that’s she’s totally jealous,” Carmilla says one night.

“That’s the thing, Carm. She doesn’t say _anything_ to me.” Laura sighs and leans against her wall, taking in her girlfriend’s features and trying not to remember what her lips feel like. She had made the mistake of doing that the first call they had and Laura almost ended up in tears.

“Well, at least her absence allows us to take full advantage of our time.” Carmilla’s tone turns sultry with a smirk to match.

Laura blushes but grins back at her. “What on earth do you mean?”

Carm bites her lip and shifts a bit, her black tank top pulling down slightly. Laura’s heart skips a beat. She had been nervous about this part of their relationship, but after Carmilla talked her through how to go about it, Laura’s reservations fell away completely. She ended up _really_ liking Skype sex. Probably more than she should.

One of Carmilla’s hands travels up her body, lifting her shirt with it, and Laura leans in slightly. Her girlfriend’s quiet moan is barely audible even with earbuds in. As Laura watches Carmilla’s actions with rapt attention, she slips a hand under the waistband of her pajama pants. Her name leaves Carmilla’s lips, and a jolt of heat shoots through her gut.

Without any warning her dorm room door swings open, eliciting an embarrassing and guilty yelp from Laura as she snatches her hand out of her bottoms and switches tabs on her computer.

She hears Carmilla laugh slightly as she watches Betty move around the room looking for something she must have forgotten. Laura’s heart drops at the same time as it accelerates when she realizes Carmilla hasn’t stopped.

More moans sound from her girlfriend’s end of the call, and she mentally curses the other girl for being able to score a room by herself.

“Have you seen my–”

Laura jumps at Betty’s sudden break in the room’s silence.

“What?”

Betty narrows her eyes. “Have you seen my laptop charger?”

“Nope. Not ever. Wouldn’t even know what it looks like,” Laura stammers.

“You roommate has no idea, does she?” Carmilla whispers in Laura’s ear. Laura’s eyes widen slightly and she knows she looks suspicious to her roommate.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Betty mutters. She shakes her head and keeps looking for her charger. Eventually she finds it and leaves once more.

Laura lets out a deep breath and switches back to Skype. Carmilla’s topless, one hand between her thighs and the other cupping her breast. Laura licks her lips. “I’m back.”

“Good, I was worried I’d have to finish without you.”

“You wouldn’t dare…”

Laura slides her hand back down between her legs as Carmilla whispers a low “wouldn’t I?”

“Oh holy shit!” Betty interrupts. Laura slams her laptop shut and yanks her headphones out.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Laura shouts.

They stare at one another, neither one wanting to be the next one to talk. Finally, Betty breaks the silence.

“So! I’m going to pretend I didn’t see that! We’re going to make some adjustments to our roommate agreement.”

 

\---

 

**_SUMMER 2014 (July)_ **

On a warm July evening, Laura pulled up to a small inlet of the coast and looked over at Carmilla with a grin.

“Okay, open your eyes.”

Carmilla followed Laura’s order and laughed under her breath but didn’t say anything. Laura had been excited about this surprise for the past few weeks, and she wasn’t about to dampen her girlfriend’s mood with her usual snark. However, this wasn’t a part of the beach she and Laura had ever been to, so that immediately piqued her curiosity.

Laura popped the trunk and rummaged around in the back as Carmilla let herself out. “What do you have planned for me, cutie?”

“I kept saying we were going to do it, but then it would be rainy or cloudy or we would get distracted. And by that, I mean you would seduce me before I could even get us halfway here,” Laura rambled as she appeared before Carmilla with their beach blanket. “It’s a little place my dad showed me after I told him about us.”

Carmilla raised her eyebrows and looked out at the Gulf, wondering what her girlfriend had in store for her.

Laura tucked the blanket under one arm and took Carmilla’s hand with her free one before leading them down to the shore and spreading the blanket out on the sand.

“It’s where he took my mom on their first date, apparently,” Laura said quietly as they lay down, looking up at the night sky. “So I thought maybe we could make a lasting memory like that in the same place. With the stars, of course.”

Carmilla turned her head to look at the other girl, her words caught in her throat.

“Show me your favorites again?” Laura whispered.

What did Carmilla do to deserve someone as pure as Laura Hollis?

She leaned in for a brief kiss before settling on her back and shifting so their sides were pressed together, their fingers intertwined and resting in the valley between their legs.

Carmilla told the story of Cassiopeia as she pointed the constellation out to Laura, and as always, she reminded Laura where Sirius, Bellatrix, and Regulus were. Eventually they fell into a comfortable silence, listening to the ocean and cicadas.

“We won’t be able to stargaze again for a while,” Laura whispered after a while.

“Fall break we will, though,” Carmilla reminded her.

Laura turned onto her side so she was facing the other girl. “We won’t be able to kiss…”

“Why do you keep focusing on these things?”

“Because I hate that I’m going to miss time with you.”

“Then we’ll just make sure to make the most of what we have left.”

 

\---

 

**_(June)_ **

“Obviously I’m coming up to Chicago to visit you at some point,” Laura said as she lay in Carmilla’s bed, her girlfriend sketching something from her desk.

Carmilla glanced up from her work to smile gently. “Well, of course. You just have to save up the money for a plane ticket. Everything else will be my treat.”

“Oh, you spoil me.” Laura rolled her eyes but returned the smile. “How close are you to finishing?”

Carmilla sighed and gave Laura a tired look. “You can’t rush art.”

“Please, I’ve seen you pump out doodles of me in under five minutes!”

“Haven’t I told you about calling them _doodles_?”

“Sorry. What are you drawing anyways?” Laura scooted off of the bed and walked over to where Carmilla sat.

“What’s the only thing I’ve been drawing for months?” Carmilla murmured back.

A detailed pencil sketch of Laura laid out on the bed, her phone in her hands, took up the whole sheet of Carmilla’s sketchbook. A particular thought always struck her when looking at Carmilla’s work. This time, however, she was genuinely considering voicing her suggestion.

“Carm, have you ever considered–” She stopped herself and shook her head. “Nevermind.”

She made to walk back over to the bed, but Carmilla took her hand and stopped her. “What is it?”

“Well, I dunno…” Laura ran a hand back through her hair. “You’re just so good at drawing me, and I know you like it. And a really selfish part of me deep down loves modeling for you, and there’s something really romantic about it, you know?” She paused her rant to gauge Carmilla’s reaction, but her girlfriend was simply looking up at her with her usual amused and adoring smile. “And so I was thinking that maybe we could, or I could, well you know. Take the figure drawing another step and–” Laura trailed off into mumbles before blowing out a sigh and giving Carmilla a defeated look.

The other girl raised a questioning eyebrow at her girlfriend. “I think I know what you’re getting at, but I need you to say it out loud. Both because I want to make sure I’m right, and because I love it when you get flustered like this.”

Laura’s nose scrunched up as she grunted out another exasperated sigh.

“Draw me topless.” The last word was muttered under her breath.

“What was that? I didn’t quite hear you.” Carmilla was grinning ear to ear, relishing the moment.

Laura glared at her for a long while before finally repeating herself through gritted teeth.

Carmilla made a show of flipping to a fresh page of her sketchbook as she said, “Well, I think you need to be topless for that.”

Laura pressed a quick kiss to Carmilla’s cheek before quickly stripping down to just her jeans. As she stepped back and sat on the edge of the mattress, she turned her head to the side, not sure she’d be able to watch Carmilla work. The shuffling sounds of Carmilla moving her chair closer made Laura’s heart skip for some reason, and she instinctively sucked in her gut.

“No, no.” The sudden sensation of Carmilla’s hand on her stomach made her jump slightly. “Relax, dear. I want to see you how you are naturally.”

Laura followed Carmilla’s instructions and let the tension out of her body.

“Perfect.” And with that, Carmilla began to draw.

Thirty minutes later, Carmilla’s hands startled Laura once more, only this time in a much different way. She was pushed back onto the bed and she found her hips pinned down by Carmilla’s.

“I’m done.” The darker haired girl smirked. “But I decided there were some details I wanted to add that aren’t present.” She leaned down, running open mouthed kisses down Laura’s neck and collarbone. “Think of it as a signature.”

Carmilla’s lips made their way back up to the curve of Laura’s neck, and after a swift nip that caused Laura to let out an embarrassing squeak of a moan, Carmilla retraced her steps with a much more colorful result.

“How many hickeys do I need?” Laura groaned breathlessly as Carmilla began on one between her breasts.

“I’m thinking at least eight.”

“How many are there?”

Carmilla made a point of kissing each one as she counted. “Six. Where do you want the last two?”

“Somewhere my dad can’t see, please? I have a feeling like that one below my jaw is going to cause some problems.”

The two of them laughed softly as Carmilla returned to marking. Once she was satisfied with her task, she pulled away and sat back down in her seat. “Now pose for me again, love. This part will only take a minute.”

Laura sat back up, her hair a mess and her cheeks red, but again she did as Carmilla asked.

True to her word, the final touches on the sketch only took a minute. Carmilla sat down next to Laura, holding out the sketchbook.

“Critiques?”

Laura was speechless. It was like a photograph, but somehow more _alive_. One of her hands brushed over each of the lovebites on her chest as she studied them in the sketch. This was how Carmilla saw her. This was why she loved her…

“It’s beautiful,” she finally managed to say.

“Yes, you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well there we go, first full chapter! shoutout to mark who is a good impromptu editor and an even better friend.  
> comments and feedback are always appreciated!  
> follow me on tumblr @ carmunism.tumblr.com


	3. October/April 2014

**_OCTOBER 2014_ **

If Carmilla didn’t know any better, she would say that Laura was ignoring her. That was ridiculous, obviously, and during their now less frequent calls, Laura insisted she had just become busy with preparing for midterm projects and joining the student paper.

Sometimes, though, there were nights that made Carmilla slightly anxious. Nights where Laura’s phone would ring twice and go to voicemail, indicating she personally ignored the call. Carmilla didn’t want to read too much into it, rationalizing it as Laura being at a lecture or perhaps in the zone with her writing.

But then there were the nights that Carmilla would get a text asking if she wanted to Skype, and of course she would say yes. So Laura would talk and smile and laugh, and Carmilla would push away any doubts she had.

“Thanksgiving is in three weeks!” Carmilla says on one such night as she lay in bed.

Laura nods and glances down at her phone before returning her attention back to the screen. “I’m excited to see you again. I’ve missed you so much.”

“Not nearly as much as I’ve missed you, cutie.” Carmilla shifts to lay on her side, moving her laptop from her lap to beside her. The change in position makes Laura pout.

“God, and this view. I can’t wait to wake up next to you again.”

A salacious smirk grows on Carmilla’s lips. “Should I ask what you would do if you were here with me right now?”

Laura laughs, shaking her head. “Remember, Betty said no Skype sex except on Saturdays when she’s over at her boyfriend’s apartment. I’m not risking her walking in on us again.”

Carmilla’s the one to pout this time. “Your roommate is a spoilsport.”

“Hey, she means well. I think we finally got on some common ground.” Laura checks her phone again.

“How so?”

Not taking her eyes from whatever she was doing, Laura responds, “Dad stuff. Not being able to go to our first choice college.” She puts her phone down but doesn’t look back up. The mood change isn’t lost on Carmilla.

“Hey, look at me.” Carmilla doesn’t continue until Laura follows her direction. “We’re making it work. You’re having a good time down there at UWF, and for all you know you would have hated the people at UChicago. They’re probably all pompous assholes like me.”

“You’re not an asshole.” Laura smiles a little.

“Oh, but I’m pompous?” Carmilla raises an eyebrow, and grins as Laura’s smile widens.

“Absolutely. It’s one of the qualities I love about you.”

“There’s a list? Please continue.”

“If I were there right now I’d push you, you jerk.” Laura giggles.

“Wanna know what I’d do if you were here right now?”

\---

**_(October 29)_ **

_ [11:26PM] _ _   
_ _ Missed Call: Carm <3 _

_ [11:49PM] _ _   
_ _ Missed Call: Carm <3 _

_ [11:51PM] _ __   
_ Voicemail from Carm <3 _ _   
_ __ “Hey, cupcake. Just calling because I’m having a bit of trouble with an assignment. I thought maybe hearing your voice would help inspire me, and it’s been five or so days since I’ve gotten more than a text. That wasn’t meant to be passive aggressive, god that sounded passive aggressive. Uh, call me back when you get this, okay? I love you.”

 

**_(October 30)_ **

_ [9:32PM] _ _   
_ _ Missed Call: Carm _

__ [9:33PM]  
_ Voicemail from Carm _ _   
_ __ “Hey, Laura. I know you’re busy with midterm papers and projects. Lord knows I am as well and probably should be working instead of drinking by myself and waiting for you to log onto Skype. I just miss you so much, and I want to make sure you aren’t biting off more than you can chew, and I want to be there for you if you’re stressed by your workload. You know I’ll always answer if you need me. Call me back, love you.”

 

\---

 

**_APRIL 2014_ **

One of the first things Carmilla learned about her girlfriend after they started dating was that she was very prone to overreacting to stress. Defence mechanisms included, but were not limited to, rambling, fidgeting, and running her hands through her hair. When she did all three, Carmilla knew to tone down the sarcastic remarks and break out the hot cocoa.

Suffice to say, preparing for finals week of their last semester of high school definitely didn’t do Laura’s blood pressure any good.

“Carm, I’m gonna fail and not graduate and live in my father’s basement for the rest of my life!” Laura said with a huff before slumping down onto her desk, her head hitting the wood with a thump.

Carmilla tried not to laugh at the dramatic display as she walked over to her girlfriend. She knew Laura compartmentalized things in complicated ways and she just needed some help laying things out. “What are you studying right now?” Carmilla asked, rubbing Laura’s back.

“Stupid chemistry and moles and avocados,” Laura mumbled, her face still flat against her desktop.

Carmilla opened her mouth to soothe Laura’s frustration, but the other girl sat up abruptly (almost headbutting Carmilla) and tossed her arms up. “Why do I need to know about this crap? I’m going to be a journalist!” She sighed loudly and was about to fall back down on her desk, but Carmilla put a hand on her shoulder.

“I think it’s as inane as you do, love.” Carmilla brushed a few stray hairs off of Laura’s face. “Have you done the math to see what you need to make on the exam to get an A in the class?”

“130 percent. And that’s for an A minus.” Laura leaned into Carmilla, who wrapped her arms around the other girl.

“Oh, yeesh. Okay, so maybe a solid B?” Carmilla tried, but Laura just shook her head. “How about we move onto a class you like. What about English? Have you started your paper for that?”

Laura pulled away and opened her laptop. “I can’t figure out a thesis. Our prompt is ‘Write a research paper on something you are unhappy with in the American Public School System.’ And I have so many ideas, but none of them are thesis worthy.”

Carmilla hummed. “You know, I’m having the same exact problem. My portfolio class has left our final project with no medium requirements and a vague subject of ‘inspiration’.” Carmilla’s annoyed tone was completed with air quotes. “I don’t know who inspires me! I inspire me! Most classical artists were hacks anyways.”

“You should do one of those regal oil paintings of me,” Laura joked. “I’ll have my dad mount it above our fireplace.”

Carmilla didn’t laugh, though. Instead she reached over for her sketchbook and turned to a blank page. “You’re a genius, Hollis.”

“What-”

Carmilla pressed her lips to Laura’s. “You’re my inspiration, cutie.”

“Wait, so you’re really gonna paint me?” Laura asked, her eyes wide.

“I’m gonna do some practice sketches first, but yes, I think so. Do you…” Carmilla paused, unsure now. “Are you okay with me drawing you?”

“Yes,” Laura whispered. “Could you possibly inspire me to pick a thesis?”

Carmilla leaned back in her chair as she ran her pencil over her paper, eyes flitting between Laura and her canvas. “Well, what do you get the angriest about? Anger is good fuel, and I know you have the capacity to rant.”

“Dress code and general sexism. But so many girls are doing dress code, and I want mine to stand out.” Laura drummed her fingers against her keyboard.

Carmilla didn’t reply, too caught up in her sketch of Laura, but she was still listening intently.

“I also  _ hate _ the way that the school uses its money, but that’s too broad and I’m not about to base my senior paper on my disliking of the football team.”

“Art,” Carmilla quipped.

“What?”

Carmilla put down her pencil and shook her head. “Art funding is terrible. My portfolio teacher is getting laid off after this year. The school will be down to two art teachers with even less budget for materials. They won’t even be able to hold the portfolio class anymore. It’s like the dusty old bags that decide budget cuts don’t comprehend the importance of art programs!”

Laura laughed softly. “I can see that’s something that makes  _ you  _ angry.”

“You have no idea.” Carmilla grunted before resuming her work.

“Maybe I’ll write on that, then. The disparity of funding for the arts!” Laura made a sweeping motion with her hand, and Carmilla laughed.

“Sounds like you have a thesis.”

“What would I do without you, Carm?” Laura leaned in for a kiss.

Carmilla returned it and mumbled her reply against Laura’s lips. “Probably fail out of school.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is always appreciated.  
> follow me @ carmunism.tumblr.com


	4. November/March 2014

**_NOVEMBER 2014_ **

Carmilla wakes up with a pounding in her head and a lurch in her stomach. She rolls out of bed and just makes it to her wastebin before throwing up. With a groan, she sits back against the wall and tries to remember what happened the night before.

Halloween. Elsie, a girl from the group she smokes with invited her to some penthouse party and at first Carmilla wanted to say no. But then she realized that Laura was going to most likely be out too, so there would be no point in waiting up all night for her. Might as well get drunk for free.

Carmilla rubs her temples as she tries to recall any memories past pregaming in Elsie’s room and pulling together a half-assed vampire costume. With no success, she reaches for her phone and opens Snapchat, hoping her drunk self maybe documented the events of the night before.

In her story, there are a few clips of loud music and strobe lights, interrupted once by a pic of a girl sticking her tongue out with a tab of what Carmilla assumed was ecstasy on it. Other than that, there is no evidence of Carmilla doing anything but getting _really_ drunk.

As she waits for her stomach to settle, she taps through other people’s stories, all of them costumed and drunk, and finds herself generally disinterested until she reaches Laura’s.

She taps through, smiling as she hears her girlfriend’s drunk voice over the music of whatever party she was at. The last snap catches Carmilla off guard.

She feels a rush of bile in her throat and she leans back over the trashcan before vomiting more.

There are three more seconds on the video, and Carmilla can’t look away from where her phone lay on the ground beside her.

Laura.

Kissing some other girl.

\---

Laura wakes up to something being thrown at her.

“Answer your fucking phone already it’s been buzzing for the past 30 minutes!” Betty growls, covering her head with her pillow.

Laura feels around for the offending device for a while before finally locating it. She checks who’s calling.

Her stomach drops.

“H-hey, Carm…” she says, her voice raspy. She sits up, making her head spin, before leaving the room and heading for the bathroom.

“How was your night?” Carmilla sounds as awful as Laura feels.

“I can’t remember,” Laura laughs a bit awkwardly. _Does she know?_ “How about yours?”

“Don’t lie to me, Laura. I always know when you’re lying.”

“I… Drank a lot…” Laura trails off, her fingers tracing the grout on the tiles of the wall.

There’s a silence, and Carmilla sighs on the other end, and Laura feels her throat close and tears spring up in her eyes. _She knows. How could she know?_

“Care to explain the ginger in your snap story?” Carmilla says shortly.

“Oh, crap,” Laura whimpers, sliding down into a sitting position.

“Who is she?” Carmilla’s voice is cold, colder than Laura has ever heard it. “Tell me she was just some random drunk girl. Tell me you don’t know her and it won’t happen again.”

“I…” Laura bites back a sob. “I can’t do that.”

She hears Carmilla sniff. “Who is she?” Carmilla repeats, her voice softer, but it stings all the same.

“Danny. My Lit TA.”

Something shatters on Carmilla’s end, and Laura flinches. “I was drunk. I’m _—_ ”

“Sorry? You’re sorry? Does she even know about me?”

Laura sees no point in lying anymore. “No.”

“Have you kissed her before?”

“Yes.”

Carmilla lets out a deep sigh. “Do you have feelings for her?”

Laura ‘s chest heaves with a few quiet sobs as she mutes the sound with her free hand. Carmilla doesn’t repeat her question this time, and somehow the silence hurts even more.

“Yes,” Laura finally whispers. “But I haven’t slept with _—_ ”

“This is why you’ve been ignoring me, isn’t it? Because you found someone else? Someone who can be with you in person? Is that it? Did you cheat on me because I wasn’t there to kiss you in person? Or was it because you didn’t think I’d ever find out? Actually, I don’t even want to know. I don’t do cheaters, and you know that damn well.”

Laura swallowed hard, trying her best to keep quiet. This wasn’t happening...

“Delete my number, I’m _done_ ,” Carmilla snaps after Laura doesn’t offer any excuses or pleas. “I hope you two are happy together.”

The line goes dead.

\---

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. That’s the saying, right? Laura’s over at Danny’s house and making out with her on her couch. It’s not as fun as it ever was with Carmilla. Danny is being far too gentle for Laura’s needs, so she pushes the taller girl onto her back, straddling her hips.

“I… Can we just hook up instead of feeling each other up like a bunch of sixteen year olds?” Laura asks, brushing her hair back and over her shoulder with one quick hand motion.

“Yeah, definitely,” Danny says breathlessly as Laura tugs her shirt over her shoulders.

Twenty minutes later, Laura’s laying naked on top of Danny, her breathing shallow and her fingers tingling. The sex was alright. Nothing life-changing. Definitely not as satisfying as she thought it would be. Danny was a bit too rough in all the wrong ways, and not rough enough in the ways Laura likes. Carmilla knows these things. She knows how to make Laura come in under a minute.

Laura stops her train of thought immediately, trying not to break down post-sex on top of her Lit TA.

Danny trails her fingertips up and down Laura’s back, and it reminds the shorter girl too much of her last time with Carmilla back at home. She awkwardly scrambles up and gathers her clothes, and Danny looks up at her with a confused expression.

“What’s wrong, babe?”

Laura winces at the pet name. “N-nothing, I just forgot I have… A journalism assignment to finish. This was uh, it was fun. I’ll text you later.” She struggles to get her jeans rightside out, and curses to herself as Danny continues to question her in the time it takes to pull them on.

“Seriously, is everything okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine! Please stop worrying, okay?” With that, she slips on her shoes and scampers out of the house before Danny can say anything else.

She starts crying on the walk home, and her first instinct is to call Carmilla. She didn’t listen, the number was still saved in her phone, but she knew Carmilla had blocked her. Just like she had blocked her on Facebook, Skype, Snapchat, Twitter, and Tumblr.

When she gets back into her dorm, she pulls out her laptop and opens an incognito browser window. Hesitantly, she types in her ex’s username. Laura’s URL may have been blocked, but her IP address wasn’t. She could still look at Carmilla’s posts.

And as much as she knew that she shouldn’t and that Carmilla would be furious if she knew, it has become a habit in just the week since the breakup.

The most recent post is a photo of a very disturbing painting of someone being impaled through the chest with black lightning.

Laura recognizes Carmilla’s style immediately, but there’s something messy about it. The tags confirm Laura’s suspicions.

_Another drunk painting. Will probably delete later._

She scrolls down, reading the bitter poetry and heartbreaking quotes followed by more gruesome monochromatic paintings. The art is what jarrs Laura the most. She’s so used to admiring Carmilla’s in-depth knowledge of color and how to use it to evoke certain emotions. But that’s all gone now, and Laura knows it’s her fault.

 

\---

 

**_MARCH 2014_ **

Laura sat on the highest point of the playground, watching the sunset and trying not to think about the conversation she was going to have with her girlfriend.

Mr. Hollis had always been protective of his daughter, but some part of Laura thought he would lighten up when she became an adult. Yet here she was, being told that he wasn’t going to pay for her college if she went anywhere more than 100 miles away from their tiny Florida beach town. He didn’t seem to care that she got into University of Chicago, which was the most selective out of all of the colleges she had applied to. He wasn’t even proud of her when she told him.

“Chicago? Are you out of your mind?!” he had scoffed. “There are gangs and murderers and drug cartels there! How could you possibly think I would be okay with you living in Chicago?”

Laura had started crying, and when he tried to comfort her, she shrugged him off and ran to her and Carmilla’s spot. The playground. She sent a text asking her girlfriend to come, then all she could do was wait. And dread.

When she spotted Carmilla approaching, Laura slid off the top of the playground and ran into the other girl’s arms. Carmilla hugged her close, rubbing her back, and neither of them said anything for a while.

“What’s up, buttercup?” Carmilla asked quietly.

“I got into UChicago,” Laura muttered into the other girl’s shoulder. Carmilla stepped back so she could look Laura in the eye.

“That’s fantastic! I’ll be at SAIC and you _—_ Wait, this is good, right? Why are you crying?”

Laura sniffled and nodded towards the swingset, and the two of them walked over. They settled down, and Laura rocked herself slightly before speaking again.

“My dad says I can’t go.”

“Fuck what he says! UChicago is a wonderful school with a phenomenal journalism program, and they only let in practically five percent of their applicants. Does he not understand that?”

“I don’t know…” Laura sighed. “But it’s more than 100 miles away, so he’d refuse to pay or co-sign on any loans, and there’s no way I could afford that school without him. So… my best bet is probably UWF.”

They sat in silence again, Carmilla fuming and Laura simply defeated.

“We were gonna be in Chicago together!” Carmilla kicked at the sand below the swings. “Does he know you wouldn’t be there alone?”

“I think he would take that as me only going to Chicago for you.”

“This is ridiculous.” Carmilla stood up and paced back and forth in front of Laura, who was still half-heartedly swinging. “How can he feel so entitled to dictate your entire future?! This should be your choice. Is this what you want, Laura? To go to some subpar university?!”

“What do you think, Carmilla?” Laura shot back with equal fury, shocking Carmilla with the sudden display of emotion. “Of course I don’t want to go to University of Western Florida, but what choice do I have? Are _you_ offering to pay my tuition for UChicago?”

Carmilla ran both of her hands back through her hair and struggled to keep her tears back. She couldn’t lose Laura. They could make it through this fight, and if they could make it through the summer, they could make it through college.

Carmilla took a deep breath before walking up to Laura, who now sat motionless in her swing. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her girlfriend’s head. “We’ll figure something out. For right now, let’s just focus on high school.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes lol  
> follow me @ carmunism.tumblr.com


	5. December/February 2014

**_DECEMBER 2014_ **

It is odd how comforting Laura finds being drunk. For someone who generally likes being in control of her choices and her destiny, there’s something cathartic about being able to just let that all fall away and embrace a blackout. Betty seems to like her more when she’s drunk, too. 

Everyone does.

Her classes are easy enough. At least that’s what she tells herself to justify going out to a party on a Wednesday night. Betty had asked her to come, and she wasn’t about to turn down an olive branch from her roommate.

“Carmilla who, am I right?” Laura slurs as she and Betty stumble back towards their dorm.

“I don’t even know who you’re fuggin talkin bout.” Betty says. “You know, I normally don’t party that much, but you have seemed  _ so _ sad lately, it was harshing my vibe.”

“‘Harshing your vibe?’” Laura let out an obnoxious laugh. “Who even says that anymore?”

The two of them devolved into giggling messes as they clumsily let themselves into their building.

The next morning, Laura woke up to a puddle of vomit next to her bed and a half-written term paper left open on her laptop.

\---

Carmilla reaches for the bowl and lighter as it’s passed to her. She can’t recall the name of anyone in the dingy apartment, but they were in her class and had offered her free beer and weed.

They’re all half-wits and wastes of air in Carmilla’s opinion, so she zones out as they blather on about something “philosophical” and she tries to let her mind go blank.

Blankness was the only way she could keep herself from thinking about Her. Because, inevitably, all roads lead to Laura.

It had been a month. They went all of Thanksgiving break in the same town without running into one another even once, and not even a drunken apology voicemail from Laura had graced Carmilla’s phone.

Why did Carmilla always do this to herself? Find a single person and revolve her entire life around them. This had happened with Ell. She should have known. Maybe she had convinced herself that she had grown more mature.

And that the girl actually loved her.

At least Laura wasn’t a closet case like Ell had been.

At some point, someone throws a pad of paper and a pencil at Carmilla, jolting her out of her failed attempt at not thinking about it. 

“Draw something. We’re all doing it,” one of the girls says.

Carmilla glances lazily down at the sketchbook and shakes her head, but picks up the pencil regardless.

It starts as a clearing in a forest but morphs into a galaxy. In the center is a pair of lips that no one else on the planet was more acquainted with.

Except maybe Danny...

Carmilla cursed at herself for letting her mind wander back to Her. She had been doing so well, yet Laura had even managed to worm her way into Carmilla’s subconscious.

“I’m heading home,” she says groggily, standing up and grabbing her coat. As she trudges down the stairs, she tries to ignore the ache in her chest that worsens with every step.

The chilly Chicago wind immediately sobers her up, and she tugs her coat around her as she makes her way home.

\---

“Ms. Hollis, if you don’t shape up, I’m going to send an email to the paper and tell them to kick you out. You have a 52 in my class right now. That’s an F,” the Lit professor says.

Laura fights the tears stinging in her eyes. “I’m sorry, it’s just that — ”

“Listen,” her professor interrupts. “Ms. Lawrence has already informed me that you’re struggling with personal issues and — ”

Laura can’t help the gasp. “Wait, Danny?”

This reaction catches the professor off guard. “Well, yes. Ms. Lawrence and I are in direct contact on student matters. If you confide in her, chances are she has told me.”

Laura wants to feel hurt. Angry, maybe. Or at least annoyed. But beyond the brief shock she had when Danny first came up, Laura can’t feel anything but acceptance. Defeat.

“Is there anything I can do to bring my grade up?” She asks her professor.

The older woman presses her lips together and sighs quietly. “Laura, you would have to make a 75 on your final paper in order to get a passing grade. In my opinion, nothing you’ve turned into me has even been worthy of a 70. Ms. Lawrence seems to see the best in you, and she is the only reason your grade is so high despite your having not turned in the past two assignments. However, she will not be grading your final.”

The mentioning of Danny makes Laura’s throat tighten, her numbness ebbing away to panic once more. She runs a hand back through her hair as she attempts to calm down and takes in a shaky breath.

Something in the professor’s voice changes. “It’s none of my business, but how are you doing in your other classes?”

Laura shakes her head. “I-it’s fine. I can get a 75 on the final. I’ll start tonight.”

She scrapes by with a 62 in English Literature and low C’s in the rest of her classes.

\---

Arriving home on the first day of Winter Break proves to be more eventful than Carmilla had expected or really even wanted.

In the time since Carmilla had last been home, her mother had taken it upon herself to clear out Carmilla’s closet to store old things and unceremoniously dump Carmilla’s belongings onto her bed. Among the detritus was a box Carmilla had made over Fall Break, and the sight of that box is what stops Carmilla in her tracks and slaps her across the face with the memory of Laura.

Four hours. That’s how long Carmilla had made it without thinking about her ex. The reminder is a harsh one, but one that she takes in stride; without hesitation, she scoops the box up and heads back towards the front door.

“Maman, I’m going to the post office,” she calls out.

Once there, she slaps a shipping label on the package and writes out an address that will probably never be purged from her memory before handing it off to the courier.

\---

New Year’s Eve.

Mr. Hollis must understand the necessity of leaving his daughter alone on this night. Laura doesn’t have to tell him anything, but he is a smart man and knows his daughter well. He leaves a bottle of sparkling cider outside of her door at around 7 pm, and Laura is content with Netflix and solitude until she hears a knock at 10.

She tells her dad he can let himself in, so he does so. He’s not empty-handed.

“This came in the mail today, pumpkin,” he says cautiously. Laura can’t keep her eyes off of the package in his arms, and she tries not to read too much into his tone of voice. “I think we both know who it’s from. We can open it together if you would like.”

“Just drop it.” Laura’s voice cracks despite every effort she makes to keep it steady.

“Okay. I uh, I’m going out with a couple buddies from work and won’t be back until after midnight, will you be alrigh — ”

“Dad, I’m not a  _ child! _ ” Laura snaps. She gets out of bed and snatches the offending box out of his hands. “I can deal with this myself, thanks.”

The look in his eyes is one Laura is used to by now. She got it from LaF and Perry, her professors, and even Danny. It was pity, and it made her furious.

“I’m  _ fine _ . Please leave me alone.”

She shuts the door and drops to her knees, tearing the box open and hoping that it isn’t what she thought it was.

But when she’s met with an old flannel, everything inside of her feels like it shatters. A heavy sob escapes as the scent of Carmilla’s house overwhelms her. With trembling hands, she removes the contents of the box one by one.

In total: three shirts, a hoodie, several sticks of lip balm, five movie ticket stubs ( _ The Grand Budapest Hotel, Captain America, Guardians of the Galaxy, Divergent,  _ and _ Godzilla _ ) and at least thirty Polaroids of one or both of them taken with the camera she had gotten the Christmas before they had met.

Her chest heaves with silent cries as tears roll down her cheeks and drip onto the mementos laid out in front of her. She threw away everything she had in a moment of weakness, and she let her despair impact her schoolwork. A despair that wasn’t even rightly hers. She couldn’t even imagine what Carmilla felt like at this moment.

\---

Loud music pounds in Carmilla’s ears, the bass reverberating in her chest as she makes her way around the bar. It’s a beachside joint that is horrendously tacky compared to the clubs she would go to in Chicago, but it was New Year’s Eve, and anywhere can be a party on New Year’s. 

She thanks God (or a seedy girl named Lilah from Art History) for her fake ID as she orders another rum and coke.

An extremely inebriated man in a confederate flag tank top winks at her as she downs the glass in two swigs. She flips him off and makes her way to the other side of the bar. On the dance floor, a girl with a blonde pixie cut is grinding against anyone and everyone. Carmilla can’t help but smirk as she startles some other women there. 

Carmilla puts another five dollars on the counter, and is given a drink immediately. She makes eye contact with the blonde and puts on the classic Karnstein Charm. She gives the girl a wink, which must have piqued her interest because she slips through the crowd and approaches Carmilla at the bar.

“Happy New Year!” Carmilla leans towards the girl to be heard above the noise. “I’m Carmilla.”

“Macy.” She puts her lips right next to Carmilla’s ear. “And it’s not the New Year yet, silly. Thirty minutes left.”

Carmilla buys her a drink before the two make their way back onto the floor. This time Macy is focused solely on Carmilla, and the dark haired girl has no problem with that.

The countdown starts from thirty, and Carmilla’s mind is completely void of any thoughts of where she was a year ago.

Macy screams the final numbers before hooking both arms around Carmilla’s neck.

 

\---

 

**_FEBRUARY 2014_ **

“Carmilla Karnstein, explain yourself!” Laura tried to sound stern, but her laughter bubbled out regardless. She had opened the door when Carmilla knocked, but a blindfold was tied around her eyes before she could even say hello. Carmilla tugged her out of the house and lead her toward the driveway. “Wait, are you driving my car? Carmilla you don’t have a licence, please tell me what’s going on.”

Her girlfriend only snickered as she helped Laura into the passenger seat. Laura reached up to move the cover over her eyes only to have her hands lightly smacked away.

“No cheating.” Carmilla started the car.

“When you mentioned that Valentine’s Day was going to involve a blindfold, this is  _ not _ where I thought it was going to go.” Laura crossed her arms and slouched in her seat.

Carmilla’s let out a strong laugh that reverberated around the small cab of the car, and Laura had never heard a more pure sound. They had been together for a little over a month, but that was the first time Laura can recall her girlfriend laughing in such a carefree manner. It made the idea of Carmilla breaking the law and taking Laura to some unknown destination a little easier to deal with.

The drive didn’t end up being that long, however, so once the car was parked Laura had an inkling of where they were.

“Can I look now, Carm?” she asked as Carmilla opened her door for her.

“No, not until I take it off of you myself.” Carmilla took Laura’s hand and lead them to her destination. When they stopped walking, Laura went to remove the blindfold but paused.

“Now?”

Carmilla sighed, but Laura knew the other girl had a smile on her lips. “Yes, Laura.”

The sight before her caused Laura’s jaw to drop slightly. A gray blanket was laid out in the grass by the playground, a basket with cookies and sandwiches as well as a small bottle of wine and two glasses on top of it.

“Oh, Carmilla…” She whispered and turned to the other girl, whose face was turned down. “Carm, is this for me?” 

Carmilla’s head snapped up and she looked at Laura incredulously. “Wh — yes, of course it’s for you.”

Laura grinned and pulled her girlfriend into a hug, burying her face in Carmilla’s shoulder.

Their picnic was civil for no more than 20 minutes before Carmilla went in for a kiss and refused to pull back. The kiss was slow, it was but deeper than any they had shared before, and it sent a heavy heat to Laura’s gut. She hesitantly reached behind and tangled her fingers in Carmilla’s hair, bringing them closer together and eliciting a small hum from Carmilla. She felt Carmilla’s tongue press against her lips and she opened her mouth slightly in response before realizing what they were doing. She broke this kiss and pressed her forehead against her girlfriend’s.

“Carm, we can’t make out on a children’s playground. It’s not even dark yet,” she mumbled, her lips tingling and already missing the presence of a kiss.

Carmilla smirked, bouncing her eyebrows. “We’re not technically  _ on _ the playground.”

Laura rolled her eyes and gently nudged Carmilla away. Suddenly, an idea struck her. “You know, I bet my dad would let us have a sleepover, considering we’re  _ best _ friends and all.”

Laura had never seen Carmilla clean up so fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr @carmunism


	6. January 2015/January 2014

_**JANUARY 2015** _

 

Disgust rolls through Carmilla as she pulls away from the girl who in turn looked at Carmilla like she put the stars in the sky. But it was off. Everything was off. And suddenly Carmilla felt her head spinning. She stumbles off of the dance floor and out of the bar, begging for the vertigo to stop.

She leans against a lamppost, the cool metal doing wonders for her, as she pulls out her phone to call a cab home. Her phone is dead, however. Figures.

With tears stinging at the corner of her eyes as she tries to suppress the memories of a year ago, she slowly makes her way towards her house. But somewhere along the way she makes a wrong turn. Or perhaps a right turn to her drunken mind. It takes her entirely too long to realize where her feet are leading her, and it’s not until she sees familiar blue shutters that the first tears roll down her cheeks. 

She shouldn’t be here. How did she get here? Why did she come here, of all places? Her gut swirls with nausea and nostalgia and the pain of too many missed calls. The first cry of Laura’s name is hoarse, and doesn’t have nearly enough venom in it. She tries again. And again. And again. Until she takes a deep, shuddering breath and bellow’s her ex’s name one last time.

The front door opens.

Carmilla goes cold, the fire suddenly drained out of her as she sees Laura’s grief stricken face. First instinct tells Carmilla to go and hold her, tell her everything is going to be okay. She can’t bear to see Laura like this, unkempt hair, baggy eyes, and exhausted posture. It’s not… Laura.

“What are you doing here?” Laura finally breaks the silence.

Carmilla opens her mouth to respond, but she’s at a loss for words. She can’t solve a question she doesn’t know the answer to.

“ _ What _ are you  _ doing  _ here, Carmilla?” The menace in her voice as she utters the name snaps something in Carmilla.

Carmilla wipes at her cheeks with the backs of her hands as she storms up to the door. “Maybe I should ask you the same thing.”

“This is my house. Are you drunk?” Laura takes a step back, putting herself behind the threshold and effectively stopping Carmilla in her tracks.

“What do you think?” Carmilla sneers. “We couldn’t even make it a year! It’s been a year, Laura!” Carmilla throws her hands up in frustration. “We made all of these plans for our lives together and yet you couldn’t even wait, what was it? Two months? Before you slept with someone else! And a ginger, no less. Let me guess, you two are still together, and this time apart has been hard because she lives in San Francisco but you’re making it work. Break is only a month long, after all. You could let history repeat itself and fuck me right now and send her pics afterwards. I bet she’d love that. She obviously has some sort of… cuckold kink.”

In her eagerness to spew every horrible thing that had crossed her mind since the beginning of November, Carmilla feigned to register the growing rage on Laura’s face.

“I’ll have you know that we were never even together romantically! We slept together twice and kissed a few times when we were drunk. I do not, nor have I ever, been in love with Danny Lawrence! That was all with y-” Laura stops herself. “With you. I was only in love with you.”

Carmilla and Laura stare at one another in silence.

“Do you miss me?” Carmilla hates the way her voice cracks and how the beer makes her sound desperate, but that was the one question that had nagged her the most.

“Like someone cut a hole in me.”

The air is tense and electric, but with an undertone that makes it all seem off. Almost like a dream. But Carmilla steps forward, and Laura lets her, and then their lips crash together in a sloppy, hungry kiss.

Laura parts for a second to take in a ragged breath, and Carmilla tries to ignore how the saltiness of Laura’s lips means she’s been crying all night too. But then the haze falls away and they seem to realize what they’ve done. They jump away from one another like scared cats.

Panic and regret boil inside of Carmilla’s stomach, and the last thing she had been repressing rears its head. She turns around and makes it three steps before she doubles over and vomits in the grass.

“This was a mistake.” Carmilla croaks out.

“You need water-”

Carmilla waves her off. “You’ve done enough.” She straightens up and takes a deep breath through her nose.

“A ride home?”

“I’ve gotten this far without you. I think I’ll live.”

 

\---

 

_**DECEMBER 2013/JANUARY 2014** _

 

Laura was a lightweight, and she had accepted that by the time she finished her first cup of jungle juice at a friend-of-a-friend’s New Year’s Eve party. It wasn’t the first high school party she had ever been to, but it was definitely the biggest. She wasn’t quite sure how she felt about it.

However, her opinion on the event quickly became a hard “no” when two boys - much more intoxicated than she was - approached her.

“Hey shortstuff. I betcha wouldn’t have to get down too far to give me something nice.” One of them said, grabbing his crotch while leaning into her.

His breath reeked of cheap vodka and cigarettes, and she swallowed back the bile that rose in her throat as she used every ounce of self control to not whip out some Krav Maga. Instead, she rolled her eyes and tried to push past, but one of them grabbed her wrist. Without spilling a drop of her drink, she twisted her arm and pulled him off-balance, causing him to tumble into his friend.

Some of the crowd looked at her, while others tried to help the boys up. In the commotion, someone pulled her out onto the porch, where the night air cooled her off and calmed her down.

“Smooth move with those neanderthals, cutie,” a low voice said from beside her. Laura’s head turned sharply, and her breath stuttered at the shock of just how  _ beautiful _ the girl who had yanked her outside was.

“H-hi.” Laura muttered dumbly. “I’m Laura.”

The other girl laughed, a quiet but pure sound. “Pleased to meet your acquaintance. I’m Carmilla.” She raised her cup in Laura’s direction before taking a swig, and Laura mirrored the action. “Men are pigs.”

Laura laughed at Carmilla’s bluntness. “They really are. Kinda makes me happy that I’m a lesbian.” She tensed, embarrassed that  _ Drunk Laura _ apparently had no filter.

“Cheers to that.” Carmilla clinked her cup against Laura’s, and the small action relaxed Laura considerably.

“So who do you know here?” Laura asked. That was a thing that people asked at parties, wasn’t it?

“No one. I may or may not be crashing.” Carmilla winked, and Laura couldn’t help but laugh again.

From inside the house, faint chanting was heard over the bass of the music, and Laura could discern numbers.

“The countdown’s starting, come on let’s see if we can spot any fireworks!” Laura exclaimed and grabbed Carmilla’s hand without thinking, guiding the two of them off of the porch so they could look up into the night sky. Some part of Laura knew her fingers were still laced with Carmilla’s, but neither of them were making any movements to separate.

_ Ten _

_ Nine _

_ Eight _

“The stars are beautiful tonight.” Laura whispered.

_ Five _

_ Four _

_ Three _

“Yeah,” Carmilla replied. Laura looked down to see that the other girl wasn’t looking at the stars, but at  _ her _ , and Laura’s eyes flitted to Carmilla’s lips as the numbers rang in her ears.

_ Two _

_ One _

Without thinking, or maybe with just the right amount of reckless overthinking, Laura leaned forward simultaneously with Carmilla, their lips meeting as the sounds of fireworks erupted above them. Two cups crashed to the ground as the girls found better things to do with their hands, like cupping Carmilla’s jaw, or wrapping around Laura’s waist. The kiss was warm and slow, and Laura could feel it radiate through her.

They pulled back from one another for a brief moment.

“Hey.” Carmilla said.

“Hey.”

They kissed again, and somehow (Laura isn’t quite sure how) they made their way to the neighborhood park.

“How did you know this was here?” Laura asked as they walked up to the playground.

“I’ve lived in this neighborhood my entire life. I had to find some place to sneak out to.”

Fireworks continued to sound from the distance and occasionally light up the sky as Carmilla gently pushed Laura against the side of the jungle gym and kissed her once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr at carmunism.tumblr.com


	7. August 2018

**_AUGUST 2018_ **

 

Sometimes you don’t get closure. You just move on.

Moving on can mean therapy and coping mechanisms (some healthy, some not.) It can mean finding the nearest warm body to sleep with and ditch the next day. It can mean meeting an upperclassman who takes you under her wing and nurses you into someone even more hardened and cynical than you were before. It can mean that woman is your only true friend as you walk across a stage to get your diploma.

That’s what Carmilla did.

Moving on can mean pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and looking back on your behavior and vowing to never get like that again. It can mean accepting it’s okay to get like that again, but this time your friends know, and they help you. It can mean getting back together with someone who ruined something in your life. It can mean coming to terms with the fact that it wasn’t really _her_ fault, but yours. It can mean hyperfocusing on your schoolwork and not letting history repeat itself when your girlfriend graduates. It can mean spending senior year alone, and being okay with it.

That’s what Laura did.

Yet despite these drastic differences in the definition of moving on, both Laura and Carmilla find themselves in Seattle. Carmilla to sign for an apartment (Mattie insisted the art scene there was right up her alley.) Laura to begin grad school.

Laura is sitting by a window of a coffee shop reading over an application for an internship, hot cocoa with two shots of espresso in her hands. She takes a sip, and hums along to the quiet jazz playing over the store speakers when a name gets called out.

“Carmilla!”

Laura goes stiff. It’s not that common of a name, but it’s also not like the universe hates her _this_ much. Especially not after three and a half years…

With dread sitting like a stone in her stomach, she turns her head towards the barista who calls out the name again.

“Yeah, I heard you! Calm down.” A woman grunts as she walks up to the counter. Her curly black hair masks her face, and Laura can’t get her heart to return to a healthy rhythm. The woman takes her drink and turns around, and time seems to stop. It’s her.

Carmilla’s eyes go wide, her jaw slacking just slightly so her lips part, and Laura feels an odd emotion wash over her. Something like awe, something like regret, something like longing.

They stand there dumbstruck, neither of them believing that the other is real. It’s impossible. It’s been so long, and Seattle is so far from home. This coffee shop of all of them in the city?

It was some sort of cruel joke. It had to be.

Someone walks in and the bell above the door jingles, snapping both of them out of the daze, and Carmilla bows her head and quickly ducks out of the cafe without a word.

The numbness gradually recedes from Laura’s fingers, and she takes a gratuitous sip of her drink before pulling out her phone. Through a miracle in mental elasticity, Laura manages to remember ten digits and prays the line hasn’t changed.

It rings twice.

“Hello, Carmilla Karnstein speaking-”

“You know it’s me.”

The other end is silent for a beat before Carmilla responds. “Why can’t I ever shake you?”

Carmilla’s voice is like music to Laura’s ears and a metal rod through her heart. So few words, and already memories are washing back up.

Laura lets out a dry, bitter laugh and stares out of the window as it begins to rain. “Maybe because you aren’t meant to.”

She wants to take the words back as soon as they are out of her mouth, but this wouldn’t be the first time Laura’s wrestled with regret, and it won’t be the last. When it feels like Carmilla isn’t going to say anything any time soon, Laura panics.

“Come back, Carm. I…” Laura trails off, not sure where she was going with that.

“You what?”

Laura feels her throat tighten as she thinks about the truthful answer. She can’t cry over Carmilla Karnstein again. Especially not in public. She says it anyways. She has nothing left to lose.

“I still miss you and I’ve changed for the better since you last saw me and I just want to talk.”

The silence has a worse effect on Laura than Carmilla’s clipped tone, and Laura presses her fist to her mouth to help rein in a sob that swells in her lungs.

Carmilla sighs. “What makes you think I’m willing to give you a second chance? What makes you think I haven’t already moved on?”

“You picked up.”

Laura waits entirely too long for a reply before she realizes that Carmilla had ended the call.

How had such a small interaction affected her so much? Seattle was a big city. As long as Laura avoided this coffee shop for the rest of the time she lived here, chances are she’d never see Carmilla again.

She closes her eyes and works on steadying her breathing like Perry had taught her. With a final breath out, she opens her eyes with the intent of finishing proofreading her resume, but she jolts when she notices someone sat in front of her.

“Hi, I’m Carmilla.” She has her hand extended out, and Laura hesitantly takes it and gives it a soft shake.

“I’m Laura. It’s nice to meet you?” Laura is confused beyond belief, but she isn’t about to question what Carmilla was doing.

“You look frighteningly similar to this girl that I knew back in high school.” Carmilla says with a small smirk that Laura remembers like the lines to her favorite song.

“That’s so funny. Was she cute?” Laura can’t help but smile back.

“Oh, quite. But something happened between us. We were both in over our heads and didn’t really know ourselves, much less each other.” Carmilla shrugs and leans back in her seat, her eyes a bit wary now.

“That’s bound to happen with teenagers, though.” Laura points out. “Not that it excuses her actions. I’m sure she understands she’s responsible for everything that happened between the two of you. I can’t imagine how torn up she would have been losing someone like you. A little communication goes a long way.”

The two of them are silent, but this time the quiet is peaceful, and there is nothing lingering in the air but the scent of coffee beans.

“I have an appointment to catch, but I’d love to get to know you better, Laura.” Carmilla nods as if she’s agreeing with herself. “What about dinner this friday? I feel like something good could happen between us.”

“I think that sounds lovely." Laura closes her laptop as Carmilla stands.

"When can I hope to hear back?"

"I’ll call you. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as i sign off the final chapter of this fic, i want to thank those of you who have read it. i understand angst is not popular in this fandom, and i understand why. this fic was written more as a personal exploration of myself as an author, as well as introspection on my own past relationships. most of the events in this story have been drawn from real experiences, and the act of writing all of it has been very cathartic for me.  
> i know none of yall care about this lmao but yeah. kudos and comments are appreciated <3  
> follow me on tumblr at carmunism.tumblr.com


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